Self-Worth

            Before I talk about my self worth and perception of my own abilities, I have two stories. The first is from high school. I had a best friend who was clinically depressed. She was incredibly insecure and was constantly calling herself fat, ugly, etc. This was a problem I had no idea how to fix, but I would always try to tell her that she was beautiful and worthwhile. But her perception of herself never changed. Unfortunately, what did change was the way she would insult herself. It evolved into a comparison with me. She would say that I was "prettier" than her, "smarter" than her, and on and on. This would of course lead me to say things like, "Oh no, but you're so much prettier!" I didn't notice what it was doing to me at the time. I actually didn't figure it out until we had a falling out years later. Very soon after we were no longer friends I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I was confused at first, but then I realized why I felt that way. I had been trying to hold her up for years, tried to make her feel better, happier, make her love herself. It was exhausting and was taking a toll on my own self worth. Because I'd been trying to convince her for years that I wasn't "prettier" or "smarter", I had started to believe that I really was lesser than she. Once we were no longer friends, the haze subsided and I started to see myself, and that relationship, much more clearly. It's like that airplane announcement about putting on your breathing apparatus before helping a child. You can't help anyone if you're not secure in yourself first. In the end, you'll both go down.
             My other story happened years later, right before I went to Australia. I had decided that I wanted to do something bold with my life. I had fallen into a rut, felt like I was wasting my youth, and I desperately needed to get out and experience life on my own. Sure, we can say I was going to "find myself" like every self-help book you've ever read. The point was, I wanted to go exploring and be anonymous and free in another country. Well, my cousin decided at a certain point that she wanted to go too. I was not excited about this idea. Let me explain my cousin. I've never seen her make a declarative statement without instantly doubting herself. If you ask her what restaurant she wants to go to she'll collapse into a continuous feedback loop of saying the name of a restaurant then asking your opinion. If something bad happens to her, she'll blame anyone but herself and will take no positive steps toward remedying the situation. She once got 5 speeding tickets from the same police officer on the same stretch of road in the time span of only one month. When I asked her why she continued to speed she said that she forgets to check her speedometer and that cop needs to get a life! (By the way, I had this conversation with her while she was driving through that same area of road, while speeding, and she was pulled over while still on the phone with me. Yeah, same cop.) This is not the person I want to experience being in a foreign country for the first time with. I need someone I can rely on. Better yet, I need someone who is not completely reliant on me. She wanted to come with me, but took no steps on her own to make it happen. I suppose she expected that I would make all the plans and she would just tag along. Well, that was not going to work for me. I told her that it was fine if she wanted to come, but she would need to figure out how to get a passport, plane ticket, work VISA, etc. Honestly, if she could get those things accomplished BY HERSELF then I could trust that she could handle being in a foreign country and not be completely dependent on me. This was one of the first times I remember being completely selfish. I wasn't going to help her because ultimately that wasn't going to help either of us. We would both go down. My mom tried to make me feel guilty about it, but I didn't care. My first time in a foreign country was not going to be about helping my cousin through her first time in a foreign country.
                   So then it would seem that my self worth has changed radically from high school to now. I used to think that I was a slave to the emotions of others. I would tirelessly try to make everyone else happy at the expense of my own joy. But now I tell myself that I'm important and my time is precious. I waste very little of my time on people who are undeserving of it. If I sense that someone is a "crazy maker", I keep my distance. If someone I'm dating isn't making effort, or lies, or cheats then I show them the door. I do have my doubts sometimes about whether or not I'm doing the right thing for a project, or my career, or whatever, but I have faith in the universe and I have confidence in myself. If I stay positive, good things will happen, but if I slip into negativity the reverse will be true. Either way, I hold the power and I get to say which direction my life goes. And for better or worse things will unfold as they should.

Bugs in the Software

I have several bugs in my software. I think that the main one I have might be that sometimes I think that everyone has the same freedom and opportunities that I have. While it is true for a lot of people, there are millions of people out there who cannot help their situation. These are people who are in an extremely dangerous country, they are treated as second class citizens, stripped of their rights, or are even enslaved in some cases. It's very easy for me to improve my situation and to think positively about the world. And I think sometimes I take for granted that I have the freedom to take advantage of opportunities and do whatever I want to in life. I need to remember to be more thankful for the fact that I do live in a free country and, for all of it's faults, there is at least an attempt here to move toward a state of universal fairness.

Another bug in my software is that while I don't self-identify as being white, I feel guilty because I feel that I may consciously or unconsciously reap the benefits of being perceived as white. It's hard for me to know what specific moments in my life were made easier for me because of this fact, but I can say that I have rarely,  if ever, experienced racism personally. My ethnic history is a wide range, and I'm not even sure if I know the full extent, but the main ones I recall from conversations with my mother are French, Hispanic, Native American, Russian, German, Greek, Phillipino, Japanese, and European Jew. Because I have such an eclectic look I often think of myself as an "optical illusion". The Greek family from my hometown thought I was Greek, the Hispanic table I waited on yesterday thought I was Hispanic, the Egyptian lady at the store asks if I'm Egyptian, and on and on. The point being that I am whatever people want me to be. It makes people more comfortable when they can put you in a category, and it seems that they usually assume that I am whatever they are, hence the "illusion". For that reason, I fly under the radar and have never fully experienced what it is to be discriminated against based on race. It's actually hard for me to understand discrimination. I've had friends who have told me that they weren't allowed into clubs, didn't get jobs, were not allowed to move into a certain apartment, etc. because of their race. And I almost have this incredulous thought of ,"That's not really a thing. Racism doesn't exist anymore." I am constantly trying to rewire my brain to accept the fact that the world is not fair and that I should be aware of the injustices that abound.

The last bug in my software that I wanted to talk about is my tendency to believe that women are less able than men. It's ironic because I also happen to think of myself as a strong feminist. Fancy that. But sometimes when I need advice or when I need help opening that damn pickle jar I often defer to men. I feel incredibly guilty when I realize what I've done. When I walk past 3 girls at work to ask the guy at the back of the kitchen if he can help me lift a heavy item. When I call my mom to ask if dad's home yet because I have something I need to ask him. I don't always do it, but I know that I do it more than I should. It's been engrained in me by society that men are stronger or are more logical than their female counterparts. But I know that isn't true. I know that I'm much stronger and smarter than people think I am and I need to give other women the benefit of the doubt. I need to re-wire myself to not be as anti-woman as I know that I can sometimes be.

Short and Sweet and Synchronous

One of my favorite instances of synchronicity was when my sister and I landed the house that we currently live in. I was originally living in a really cheaply made apartment whose rent was steadily increasing. It got to the point where I was paying almost $900 a month for a pretty run down apartment. But it was a good location. And my sister, who had recently moved to Baton Rouge, had her own cheaply made apartment for a little while. But we quickly realized that we could pool our resources and find a much better place for cheaper. We started looking online for different rental opportunities, mostly houses, and we had our own sets of "must haves". I really wanted hardwood floors because not only are most carpets kind of ugly, but my cats have this really terrible habit of ripping at them and in some rare cases also decide to pee on them. I also very much needed a washer and dryer to be included. For my job I always have to have a clean uniform and so I do laundry constantly. My sisters wants were her own bathroom and a roomy kitchen. We looked at maybe 2 or 3 houses at first and they were okay. They would usually have about 75% of what we wanted, but there was always one thing or another that we just weren't into. We were a bit disheartened but we decided we weren't going to settle and to continue looking. And the very next house we looked at turned out to be perfect. I felt immediately comfortable when we drove up and I saw that the front door was teal. I don't know why but I thought, "This is it." We went inside and it was absolutely beautiful. The floors weren't hardwood (they were laminate) but they looked just as good as the real thing. The owners had taken really good care of it and all of the appliances were brand new. They'd also just redone the kitchen and built a deck outside. We could each have our own bathroom and they'd recently built a shower into the master bath. But it didn't have a washer and dryer. I was so disappointed because this place seemed to be exactly what we wanted. The owners asked what we thought and I mentioned the washer and dryer. Well as it turns out, he is a realtor who also dabbles at flipping houses and he has access to a washer and dryer that he was willing to deliver and install for us free of charge. My sister and I didn't even need to confer. We immediately asked them where to sign!

What I realize about this instance of "synchronicity" is that it needs to be a combination of faith, positive thinking, and literally asking for what you want. Because of the way my sister and I present ourselves, the owners really wanted to rent to us. For that reason they were willing to work with us on whatever we wanted. If I hadn't asked about the washer and dryer, would we have passed on the perfect house? I realize now that asking for what you want is probably the most powerful thing you can do in your life. Both with prayer and in dealing with people directly. After all, the worst they can say is "no".

Kriya Me a River

I was curious so I looked into the idea of the “kriya” a little more deeply. There is apparently a specific type of exercise (“kriya yoga”) that is dedicated to the idea of the kriya. While the root word “kri” does mean “an action”, the full word in its common usage would indicate “an involuntary action”. This style of yoga, as well as related meditation and prayer, is said to cause those involved to shake, shiver, or quake. However, the symptoms of involuntary shaking and quaking could also be linked to illness or imbalance of the body or mind. When looked at from this angle, the usage of the kriya to indicate a spiritual break could make sense.

 I experienced my own “kriya” while overseas for the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. I was the stage manager for the show that LSU brought over there this past year. I was also the only tech/design student who went, everyone else was a performer. What this meant is that I was relied on pretty heavily to not only run the show, keep the paperwork up to date, and corral the performers, but I was also asked to design the logo, T-shirts, website, poster, and generally do anything that the professor either didn’t have time for or didn’t know how to do. To say the least, it was overwhelming. I worked very hard to keep the show together while being in a new country and not really knowing my way around. And trying to help everyone else feel comfortable and learn their way around. This is where I picked up the loving “Mama Kaley” moniker that has started to spread around the department. By the time we got to the end of the trip, I was exhausted. The final week, the courses were over and the show had wrapped and we were free to do whatever we wanted. I chose to get sick. Really sick. So sick that I almost passed out on the streets of Edinburgh and they had to put me in a cab and send me back to the flat. I spent the rest of the trip in my room watching romantic comedies on Netflix. It wasn’t my ideal end to the trip, but you know what, my body needed the rest and it was going to take it. I think that what this "kriya" was trying to tell me is that I needed to learn the lost art of saying "no". As a result, I am slowly adding that word back into my vocabulary.

I think that when I’m 80, I’ll be a lot more relaxed about things. I won’t be so scared anymore. Right now, death terrifies me. Life is actually pretty scary too. I stress out about things that don't matter and I waste so much time trying to reach perfection. I think that my 80 year old self will tell me to slow down. I think she’d tell me that life is what’s happening right now, and that she wishes she’d taken more time to have fun in her younger years. She’d say that I have plenty of time to be a serious adult, but that I should remember to stay a kid at heart. And go spend time with mom and dad! They won’t be here forever and you need to take advantage of their wisdom and their love for as long as you have it. Cherish them as well as the rest of your family and friends. It’s the love and friendships in life that are truly important.

If I could go back and talk to myself at 8 years old, I’d tell her not to be afraid to speak up for herself. I’d tell her that she’s smart, and she’s beautiful, and life is going to get better. I’d tell her that what her classmates think, and what her friends think doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. It only matters what she thinks of herself. She needs to love herself before anyone else can. At 8 years old, I’d also tell her not to lose touch with the small joys in her life. Playing with her brothers, reading books, playing games. I’d tell her that later in her life she might want to let these things go as childish or a waste of time but she shouldn’t. She needs them more than she can know right now.

Guilt or Shame?

Around the time I hit Junior High and High School, my metabolism started to slow down. I also wasn't doing dance classes, gymnastics, or any of the other active stuff I did as a kid. What that meant is that I slowly started to put on a little weight. I wouldn't say I was overweight, in fact, my doctor told me (because I asked) that I was perfectly within the normal range for someone my height. And then I started college, and of course the pounds in the form of the "Freshman 15" piled on a bit more. I'd say I was maybe about 20 pounds heavier than I am today. I'm not saying any of this to talk about having a rough time with the kids at school. l was never bullied in school or anything like that. And no one overtly discriminated against me or anything crazy. And for all intents and purposes, I was perfectly normal. Average, you might say. However, my self esteem plummeted around that time because of a variety of external cues. Besides the fact that there were movies and magazines that showed a ridiculous ideal, I was also surrounded with the twig like girls in my schools (including my twin best friends in size 0 jeans. What the hell does size 0 mean anyway!?). I always felt like the funny, fat friend. And it didn't help either that my well-meaning mother would say things like, "Maybe you shouldn't wear form fitting clothing." Or when she asked me if I wanted anything from the store and I'd say "A Dr. Pepper" and she'd say "…Diet?" Oh memories. This was a time that I felt great shame about myself and my appearance. My mom was constantly making "suggestions" about what I should do to improve myself. I love my mom, and I know she means well, but that was extremely hurtful to me. I felt like she didn't love me because I wasn't perfect. The idea that someone "shames" you only because what you do embarrasses them adds another layer onto this memory. She was may have been worried about my health but as I said, I wasn't really overweight and was nowhere near obese, so was she just worried about what others would think? Did she just not want the embarrassment of a daughter who wasn't perfectly trim? Who knows. All I know is that at a certain point I decided to change my diet on my own. I had no interest in losing weight, I just wasn't feeling well. So I cut out all fast food and soft drinks and dropped 15 pounds almost instantly. I started getting positive feedback from those around me and I got really confused. They were all complimenting me on losing weight, and not for being healthy. That's when I decided that people are crazy. And that whatever my weight is, it doesn't matter. Because as long as I feel healthy, that's what is important.

Having said all of that, there is a definite difference between guilt and shame. Shame is much more powerful, damaging, and longterm than guilt. Guilt is temporary while shame is a lifestyle. When experiencing your own guilt you are able to look at yourself as human, fallible, and vulnerable. But shame tells you that you're not a good person and you'll never be worthwhile. And it's never okay to guilt OR shame anyone. I suppose guilt is the lesser of the two evils, but it's still inappropriate. Guilt and shame when used as weapons are at best manipulative and at worst psychologically harmful.

My Life with Crazymakers

One type of crazymaker in my professional life is the type of person who is convinced that the world is against them. They are the ones who, whenever something doesn’t go their way, they dwell on it and complain about it to everyone they encounter. There is no hope for these people because they don’t want hope. They’d rather be upset and get the attention and pity of those around them. This can be very detrimental on a film set (or any other workplace for that matter) because a negative attitude is infectious. They drag everyone down with them and before you know it, everyone is wallowing in their own self-pity. These are the types of people who would rather tell you about everything going wrong instead of offering a solution. As a result of working with these sorts of people I’ve adopted my own mantra about sharing with my co-workers and/or superiors any issues I encounter: Bring solutions, not problems. Meaning, if you do encounter a problem, find a solution before you bring it up to anyone. “Hey I noticed _____, but we can fix it with ____!”

            Now, I don’t always follow this mantra but I do try my best. For example, this Saturday was Valentine’s Day. In the restaurant industry that means straight up chaos. I was the closing bartender Valentine’s night and I knew that tensions would be running high with the entire staff. When I walked in, I could already tell my other three bartenders were not in a happy place. I believe that this was in large part to our main crazymaker, my friend K**(name removed). He and I are both trainers, while the other two bartenders are relatively new. What this means is that they look at us to see how to act in a given situation. Well when I arrived, K** was fuming about the bartender from the morning shift and how he didn’t do this, that, and the other thing. Every time I would ask him if we were out of a certain product he would spout off again, blaming the other bartender. Somewhat loudly I might add. This wasn’t helpful. I thought, I don’t care whose fault it is, that’s not important right now. This attitude was also rubbing off on our other two novice bartenders who were beginning to get snippy with the servers coming to get their drinks. They felt like if K** who has been doing this for years is struggling then obviously they were going to have to struggle too. So I wanted to put a stop to it. I told K** that we can take care of restocking and we can talk to the morning bartender later, but that dwelling on things not done was not going to help us get through the night. And I let my other two bartenders know that they could relax. We weren’t that busy, and if they needed anything I was there to help them. I also tried to keep a positive and jovial demeanor to keep them relaxed. After the communication opened up between all of us we all started to get on the same page. We were helping each other out and getting things done. Because of the improvement in communication and teamwork, the shift went relatively smoothly and free of incident. I even heard K** tell someone “It’s not a big deal, we’ll get it done” when we ran out of a really important item for the bar. I was so proud!

            In my personal life, I usually play the role of the peacemaker. At least with my friends. I’m usually seen as the one who is the most grounded, who will be the “sane” one in any argument. For example, my best friends L & R are twins. And I guess because they are so close and so alike, that means they have to fight more than any two human beings rationally should. They’ll fight about anything, anywhere, anytime. And they always look to me as the mediator. But what’s funny is that I usually don’t get involved when they fight. For the most part it has nothing to do with me so I just let them go. I get involved only when either A) they start to “draw blood”, not literally but rather when they get to a point of just saying hateful things to each other and aren’t even trying to have a valid argument, or B) when they start to effect those around them. They have taken turns over the years between being victim and persecutor, but I pretty much always get to be the peacemaker. I’ve never really thought of myself as being that effective at peacemaking however. They may stop fighting after I tell them “That’s enough!” but they’re still fixed in their opinion that they’re right and they still remain angry with the other one. I wish that I could find a way to help them really see the other one’s perspective. Sometimes I feel like my friends are just too irrational to see the truth. But who knows, maybe I’m the irrational one.

"You're rude."

When I first started my job at P.F. Chang’s, we had a general manager who had no interest in following corporate rules, he constantly went out drinking with his employees, and did questionable things with company money. Everyone loved him. Well, mostly. He was a good time. I didn’t care for him one way or the other to be honest, but I didn’t mind him I guess. Well, as you can imagine this behavior eventually caught up to him and he was fired. His replacement was a by-the-book corporate drone who started to strictly enforce all the rules and regulations that had been ignored for years. Years! That means everyone who worked there had gotten very comfortable with their level of indifference to protocol. So once this guy came in and started telling us what to do, everyone got extremely upset. The environment was volatile for a while. People started quitting and getting fired in droves. And the people left over were getting more and more angry every day. Even though I wasn’t a particularly big fan of my former boss, I was effected by the bad attitudes all around me. I was angry with this new guy because I thought that he was acting unfairly toward my friends. I was having a really hard time so I tried to just come in to do my job and ignore everything else. I thought I had been flying under the radar. I was wrong. A few months after his arrival he called me into the office. He wanted to talk to me about my attitude. He said that as a leader in the restaurant I needed to be a better example for my fellow employees. He also wanted me to know that my attitude toward him was made clear by the fact that I would rarely greet him when passing him in the kitchen. He said, “When I say hello to you, you just pass me by. You don’t smile or anything. You're rude.” I was surprised. I didn’t think that I was coming off that way. After he confronted me, I immediately felt defensive. Who is this guy? He doesn't know anything about me, I thought. I left the office and knew that I needed to just get away from that situation for a while. Thankfully, that conversation coincided very closely with my departure to Australia. I had plenty of time away to think about what was said and to reset. I realized that I wasn’t really upset with him. I was actually just being far too empathetic to everyone else’s feelings. The changes he made were for the better, this became apparent 6 months to a year into the process when sales started improving and the entire staff was generally happier. I realized that he was right when he said I had a bad attitude. I had let myself get completely wrapped up in what everyone else was feeling and I wasn’t even giving him a chance. After I got back I was in a better headspace and ready to get back to work. Because of my newfound enthusiasm and positivity I quickly became the head server, head bartender, and head trainer. Years later, I asked my manager if there was anything that I should improve upon as an employee. He told me that he wouldn’t change a thing and that he was proud to now have me on his side.

Even though it took me a while, I really appreciated what my boss said to me. He didn't talk down to me, didn't yell at me, he wasn't being emotional. He merely shared the facts with me. I was coming across as rude, and I should fix it. I often think back to that day when I feel my attitude start to shift. What's causing this? Who am I really angry with? How do I fix it?

And now for something a little different…

The advice that I would give to any underclassman looking to give feedback is this: It is neither your job nor your responsibility to always give your opinion on the choices of others. (Unless it literally is your job or responsibility) Although it may be tempting to share your point of view after you see a performance or while listening to a conversation in the hall, you should wait to be asked. This is something that I still have a little bit of trouble with. I happen to think I’m a pretty level-headed person so I often get tempted to “help” others when I hear they’re having trouble. However, giving your opinion when it is unsolicited can come across as obnoxious and pushy. When I start to respond to someone else’s troubles I often remind myself of the above piece of advice. If you don’t know someone that well, and aren’t privy to what they’re going through, you shouldn’t decide that you know what’s best for them or how they should improve. But if they do happen to ask you for your opinion, be kind in your advice or criticism. Life is rough for everyone.