Self-Worth

            Before I talk about my self worth and perception of my own abilities, I have two stories. The first is from high school. I had a best friend who was clinically depressed. She was incredibly insecure and was constantly calling herself fat, ugly, etc. This was a problem I had no idea how to fix, but I would always try to tell her that she was beautiful and worthwhile. But her perception of herself never changed. Unfortunately, what did change was the way she would insult herself. It evolved into a comparison with me. She would say that I was "prettier" than her, "smarter" than her, and on and on. This would of course lead me to say things like, "Oh no, but you're so much prettier!" I didn't notice what it was doing to me at the time. I actually didn't figure it out until we had a falling out years later. Very soon after we were no longer friends I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I was confused at first, but then I realized why I felt that way. I had been trying to hold her up for years, tried to make her feel better, happier, make her love herself. It was exhausting and was taking a toll on my own self worth. Because I'd been trying to convince her for years that I wasn't "prettier" or "smarter", I had started to believe that I really was lesser than she. Once we were no longer friends, the haze subsided and I started to see myself, and that relationship, much more clearly. It's like that airplane announcement about putting on your breathing apparatus before helping a child. You can't help anyone if you're not secure in yourself first. In the end, you'll both go down.
             My other story happened years later, right before I went to Australia. I had decided that I wanted to do something bold with my life. I had fallen into a rut, felt like I was wasting my youth, and I desperately needed to get out and experience life on my own. Sure, we can say I was going to "find myself" like every self-help book you've ever read. The point was, I wanted to go exploring and be anonymous and free in another country. Well, my cousin decided at a certain point that she wanted to go too. I was not excited about this idea. Let me explain my cousin. I've never seen her make a declarative statement without instantly doubting herself. If you ask her what restaurant she wants to go to she'll collapse into a continuous feedback loop of saying the name of a restaurant then asking your opinion. If something bad happens to her, she'll blame anyone but herself and will take no positive steps toward remedying the situation. She once got 5 speeding tickets from the same police officer on the same stretch of road in the time span of only one month. When I asked her why she continued to speed she said that she forgets to check her speedometer and that cop needs to get a life! (By the way, I had this conversation with her while she was driving through that same area of road, while speeding, and she was pulled over while still on the phone with me. Yeah, same cop.) This is not the person I want to experience being in a foreign country for the first time with. I need someone I can rely on. Better yet, I need someone who is not completely reliant on me. She wanted to come with me, but took no steps on her own to make it happen. I suppose she expected that I would make all the plans and she would just tag along. Well, that was not going to work for me. I told her that it was fine if she wanted to come, but she would need to figure out how to get a passport, plane ticket, work VISA, etc. Honestly, if she could get those things accomplished BY HERSELF then I could trust that she could handle being in a foreign country and not be completely dependent on me. This was one of the first times I remember being completely selfish. I wasn't going to help her because ultimately that wasn't going to help either of us. We would both go down. My mom tried to make me feel guilty about it, but I didn't care. My first time in a foreign country was not going to be about helping my cousin through her first time in a foreign country.
                   So then it would seem that my self worth has changed radically from high school to now. I used to think that I was a slave to the emotions of others. I would tirelessly try to make everyone else happy at the expense of my own joy. But now I tell myself that I'm important and my time is precious. I waste very little of my time on people who are undeserving of it. If I sense that someone is a "crazy maker", I keep my distance. If someone I'm dating isn't making effort, or lies, or cheats then I show them the door. I do have my doubts sometimes about whether or not I'm doing the right thing for a project, or my career, or whatever, but I have faith in the universe and I have confidence in myself. If I stay positive, good things will happen, but if I slip into negativity the reverse will be true. Either way, I hold the power and I get to say which direction my life goes. And for better or worse things will unfold as they should.