Surprise!

Myself at the Beginning of this Academic Year...

If my past self from the beginning of this academic year, saw the state of my current self, I think she'd shake her head with disappointment. I think she'd say, "You did it again, you overwhelmed yourself and look, this time you didn't even turn in a couple of assignments! Get it together girl." Every semester, every year even, I make myself the promise that I'll take it easy on myself and only take on as much as I can realistically handle. I think that the problem is that sometimes when I agree to projects, I don't actually understand either A) How much is involved in that project, or B) How much I will involve myself in the project. At first glance, A and B seem like the same thing, but they are vastly different. The difference being, what is expected of me from others vs. what I expect from myself (and I'm usually much harder on myself than anyone else would ever be). Expecting too much from myself, and not letting myself settle for good enough, is how I get myself into the most trouble. However, I do think beginning-of-year-Kaley would be pleasantly surprised to know that we ran the Take 1 Film Festival pretty successfully. "Where did that even come from? A film festival!? How did we even get involved with that!?" she might ask incredulously, "You just wait and see…" I'd tell her.

Beginning of College Career Self to Current Self…

Well, the beginning of my college career was 2003, so I think my past self wouldn't even recognize my current self. I think she'd be excited to see that she's become confident, capable, and widely respected. I think she might even be confused as to how we fit it all in. My past self was not very good at managing her life and was easily overwhelmed with relatively simple tasks and would often give up as opposed to trying harder. I think she would be glad to know that it gets better and that she is now able to juggle many different projects and responsibilities while still making straight A's as opposed to not even having any extra-currciculars but still making C's, D's, and F's. I do wonder how my past self would interpret my current work-load. While my recent-past-self would be disappointed that I haven't lightened my load, my distant past self might be impressed by the amount of work I take on. But might she also feel overwhelmed by it? I have a tendency to think it's a little of both. She would be intrigued that we're able to handle so much, but I think her mind wouldn't be able to comprehend how to make that kind of focus happen. She'll get it eventually, she just needs time.

My Current Self to My Current Self…

I have done a lot of self reflection this semester and I have to say, surprisingly I don't like some of what I see. I see myself getting more and more overwhelmed each semester. I see myself becoming exhausted and irritable. I see myself becoming less positive about my situation simply because I'm just too tired to fix anything. While I do think I've done some great things this semester, and that I've proven how much of an asset I can be to a project, I feel like I've failed myself in a sense. I promised myself that I would be kinder to myself, that I would give myself space to breathe, and it just hasn't happened. Why do I do that? I like to have new challenges and I like to feel needed so when someone asks for my help I usually jump at the chance. But I need to make myself take a step back and really think about these projects before I sign on. As it is now, we only have a week left in the semester and I'm so stressed out I can barely sleep. I don't like this feeling and I need to do everything I can to make sure I don't continue to treat myself this way moving forward.

Get rid of this please…

The tropes I chose were mainly from film, but could probably apply to a lot of plays as well. These are the main ones that I've been thinking about recently. It's amazing how long each of these tropes has been around.

1.) The Manic Pixie Dream Girl

 This trope is the one everyone these days is familiar with. Although it wasn't named until 2007, the trope itself goes back to the early 1960s, if not earlier. She's that girl in the film who exists only to inspire our main character (male, of course) to do great things with his life. He's usually a depressive, angsty sort of gentleman and she's so crazy and different that he's brought out of his shell and realizes life really is worth living! Usually this girl doesn't have her own storyline. She doesn't have much of a backstory, we don't know anything about her family, and does she even have a job!? We don't know. Because that's not the point. The point is that he needs inspiration, he needs a muse, he needs his Manic Pixie Dream Girl!

Examples in Cinema:
Marilyn Monroe in Some Like it Hot
Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's
Kate Hudson in Almost Famous
Natalie Portman in Garden State
Kirsten Dunst in Elizabethtown (an article about this film is where the Manic Pixie Dream Girl term was coined)

The Anti-trope:
Zooey Deschanel in 500 Days of Summer
Kate Winslet in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

At first glance, these two films' female characters listed above could be (and have been) given the false title of Manic Pixie Dream Girls. But I encourage you to look again. In 500 Days of Summer, we do see that Joseph-Gordon Levitt's character Tom is completely absorbed by Deschanel's Summer. He is positively inspired to go dancing in the streets with cartoon birds! But she's actually not interested. She's not there for him. She has her own job, and while we don't see her having her own goals, we do see her making real effort to live separately from him and has no interest in being his muse. The movie shows a deconstruction of the MPDG and a realistic end to a relationship based on infatuation. In Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Kate Winslet's character Clementine has a great line that bashes the MPDG ideal, "Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked up girl looking' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours."

I think the best way to combat the MPDG trope is to not settle for female characters who aren't fully fleshed out, with dreams, goals, aspirations of their very own. Choosing characters that have a point of view and aren't just there as a complement to the male lead. Which brings me to...

2.) The All-American Straight Vaguely Christian White Male Hero

I've had it with the All-American hero because basically it means the All-American Straight White Male Hero. He's usually Caucasian/Germanic/Nordic/European in genealogy while usually having a non-regional dialect to suggest he's from Anywhere,USA. He's also very much straight and most of the time, insanely virtuous, and either Agnostic or vaguely Christian. But what's probably more frustrating to me are his supporting characters. His supporting characters are usually minorities: black or asian or female, but they are never his equal and generally always need to be saved by him. I actually became aware of this trope while watching Walker, Texas Ranger as a kid. (Chuck Norris' accent is actually Texan, but I've learned that's an acceptable dialect for All-American heroes.) He had his partner Trivette and the DA Alex Cahill who he worked with on cases and were relatively capable characters. But I noticed that ever single episode, even when Trivette or Cahill were on the scene it had to be Walker to save the day. For some reason they were just never good enough on their own.

Examples in Television:
Chuck Norris in Walker, Texas Ranger
Tom Welling in Smallville
Stephen Amell in Arrow
Grant Gustin in The Flash

Examples in Film:
Sam Worthington in Avatar
Mel Gibson in the Lethal Weapon franchise
Mark Wahlberg in The Italian Job
Bruce Willis in every movie ever!

The Anti-trope:
Sigourney Weaver in Alien

I'd like to specifically point out Alien because the film script was originally written with no mention of gender. On instinct the studio execs were going to cast it completely with men (the default gender) but one of them said "Hey, let's just make this one and this one women." The result is that he unwittingly called for the creation of the first female hero who didn't rely on men to get her out of trouble.

A possible fix for LSU's reliance on the straight male lead is maybe to just cast females in the role and just see what happens!

3.) That Guy With the Accent, Yeah He's the Bad Guy

So if our male hero is white and American, then our bad guy has to be dark skinned and/or have a foreign accent. It's been going on for decades, and the origin of the bad guy changes based on what war we're currently fighting. During the Cold War it was the Russians, now it could be anyone from the Middle East. But the main one I've seen these days is the bad guy is British. They even have a car commercial that pokes fun at this trope. It's re-enforcing the stereotype of the "other" being dangerous. It's ignorant and it harms our progress toward acceptance of those who may be different from ourselves. It makes us ego-centric as a culture.

Examples in Film:
Alfred Molina in Spiderman 2
Tim Curry in IT and Legend and Ferngully and everything really
Mark Strong in Sherlock Holmes and Kickass
Ian McKellan in X-Men
Alan Rickman in Die Hard and Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves
Gary Oldman in everything, just everything

The Anti-trope:
Gonna be honest, I had a hard time finding a movie that depicted someone with an accent as being the "good guy" and an American being the bad guy. I'm not saying it doesn't exist, but I dug deep and I couldn't find it.

I don't know that LSU does a bad job of keeping us away from this trope, simply because I haven't heard accents being focused on too much in the plays here. But if I do hear it, I hope they are responsible with the implications.

So this was kind of a long post, but I get real excited about talking about movies!

Week 11 Post! OMG!!!

So I definitely missed the fact that we had a blog post that was due at the end of Spring Break. Whoops! I checked for prompts the first couple of days of Spring Break but then got totally absorbed in other projects. I apologize for my tardiness, and this may not even count toward my grade because it's so late, but I think this is a very interesting topic so I'll post on it anyway.

Rejuvenating as an artist is so important! Yet, I rarely make time for it myself. I'm constantly telling myself "You need to slow down." "You don't have to say yes to everyone." "You should carve out some time just for you." But inevitably, before I even know it, I've completely jam-packed my day, week, even, month with constant meetings, deadlines, and projects. And it usually isn't until halfway into the mind-numbing process of wading through all this work that I even realize how much I signed up for to begin with. This semester has been an excellent example of me overwhelming myself. And to be honest, thinking back, I don't even know how I could do it any differently. I really don't.

So how do I fix it? How do I rejuvenate myself and get myself back on track and re-energized about my career. I need a vacation away from myself. What I mean is that I need to go somewhere where I can't give in to my usual impulses. The Sundance Film Festival was actually an excellent rejuvenation for me, the way that my trip to Scotland was not. The reason being, on the Scotland trip I was heavily relied upon to keep everyone else's schedule, to keep everyone else on track, to be the responsible one. And I'm a sucker for it. I want to help people and feel needed, so when someone says "Hey Kaley, do you want even more responsibility and work that you may or may not be able to handle right now?" I say "Yes sir, and may I have another!" It's masochistic is what it is. But Sundance, oh beautiful Sundance. Josh was very much against having itinerary. He basically said that we were adults and we can plan our days for ourselves, and we can meet up when we want to, eat when we want to, and go see whatever we want. It was amazing. I was able to fully immerse myself in the culture of Sundance, watch films, listen to filmmakers discuss their process, and wander around the city. I didn't have my usual responsibilities, nobody was looking at me to have all the answers, and it was nice. Like, really nice. So when I got back from Sundance and was dropped back into the Spring semester, I landed with a thud. I've spent this entire semester mourning the end of that week of Sundance.

So then, my plan for my next "Artist's Rejuvenation" will be my trip to Europe for my 30th birthday. I'm not going to bring my laptop, I'm brushing up on French, German, and Spanish, and I'm going to find as many cultural and artistic wonders as I can in my 2-1/2 week trip! My plan is to not give myself responsibility over anyone, not to over schedule myself, and to just let myself wander, let my mind wander, and find my artist's calm again.

Wish me luck.

My advice to you is...

I think that it's always easier to give advice than it is to actually except or follow good advice. But I'm going to attempt to give advice to my younger cohorts in the hopes that they will heed my advice and not make the same mistakes I did at their age. When I first attended LSU in the semesters between 2003 and 2006 I made so many mistakes that I'm not sure they'll all fit in this blog post. What was so hard about life back then? Why couldn't I just get it right? It's hard for me to understand now why I did things the way I did back then, but maybe it's because I didn't have someone sit me down and tell me the way things are. So here I go, life lessons:

1) Don't treat school assignments as though they are just assignments. Treat them as practice for real life because that's what they are. I don't know what we think we're doing in school. Do we think that the decades that we spend in school are merely to keep us busy until we get or adult jobs? Sometimes we forget to look at the big picture. When your teacher gives you an assignment and you get annoyed or frustrated because you can't understand what any of this has to do with real life, just think about it. (Or ask your teacher if it comes to it.) The presentation you have to give in front of the class is helping you with public speaking. The ever-annoying group project is teaching you collaboration and time management. That 10-page paper on the history of paperclips is teaching you the proper methods and importance of research. It may also be teaching you patience because how boring are paperclips!? No matter what the assignment is, do it to the best of your ability. Do it beyond expectations if you can. You paid to be here and you want to get the most you can from your time here.

2) Understand that the way you present yourself in class, to your peers and your teachers, is already building up (or breaking down) your reputation. A reputation isn't something that you'll magically acquire after you graduate. This is sort of a continuation of the first piece of advice. When you blow off assignments, don't show up for your group members during group projects, and are generally unreliable, this is part of a real reputation that you've cultivated for yourself. The industry that we've decided to go into is a small one. This means that chances are that the job you go for when you graduate may have some connection to someone you've already worked with/dealt with in your academic career. What this means for you if you're someone who has treated school as though it's something you can just coast through until you get your first job is that you're going to get a rude awakening when people in the professional world don't want to hire you. For example, I was recently asked by my boss about someone who was applying for a job. He was approaching me because he figured I knew this person because they said they were a graduate of the LSU Theatre Department and he also trusts my opinion. As soon as he read me the name, I said "Absolutely not." This was someone whom I had worked with on a group project and they had put forth 0 effort during rehearsal, sometimes didn't show up at all, and generally showed no interest in learning or improving. What you should take from this is that you should treat every interaction as though it will have some baring on your future. Because in all honesty, it might.

3) Get everything you can out of your college experience. Say "yes" to as many things as you can. Okay, so this one is kind of a tough one for me. I still think it's good advice, but I'd say that "as many things as you can" can be interpreted a couple of different ways. I don't mean overwhelm yourself so much that you are constantly on the verge or tears. (I've done that, it's not a great idea) What I mean is, college is an amazing opportunity to network, have experiences, and take once in a lifetime trips while you are still young and relatively free of bills and responsibilities. When you have an open schedule because you're a full time student, you shouldn't spend your free time sleeping or just watching TV. Get out there and do something! Join a club, get involved in a performance, or volunteer to help build a house. I've also taken some amazing trips while under the umbrella of academics here at LSU. I've gotten school credit for going to Scotland and the Sundance Film Festival. I've met amazing people and had once in a lifetime experiences that are much harder to come by once you leave school. When you're out of school and into your career full time, extravagant opportunities for travel and unique experiences just don't pop up that often. And when they do, you may find that you have the excuse of having "no time".

4) Try to do things little by little. The first time I went to college, I made the mistake of trying to get every assignment done in one sitting. Usually at the last minute too. And if I didn't have the time to finish a whole project, I would just get frustrated and not do it. It was overwhelming. College is so much work! But then I realized, if you just budget your time wisely, you can do a project bit by bit and have a more consistent final product. It also makes it easier to do a project in stages because you are able to make use of your "back burner" to passively work through any issues you may be having on a project and let the answers manifest themselves as needed. Like Dr. Fletcher says: How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

5) Fail spectacularly. This advice is more for me than anyone. I know that this is a safe space to fail, but I'm so not okay with failing. I don't like feeling out of control in any given situation. And I never want to disappoint anyone. But this past week, I feel like I failed spectacularly at everything I tried to do. But a funny thing happened, I still woke up the next day. Life still went on and no one was furious at me for not being perfect. And I've identified why I failed and am actively trying to remedy it. Failing is good and necessary. Perfection is a myth, and a dangerous one.

This post is way more than 600 words. I've failed again.

Self-Worth

            Before I talk about my self worth and perception of my own abilities, I have two stories. The first is from high school. I had a best friend who was clinically depressed. She was incredibly insecure and was constantly calling herself fat, ugly, etc. This was a problem I had no idea how to fix, but I would always try to tell her that she was beautiful and worthwhile. But her perception of herself never changed. Unfortunately, what did change was the way she would insult herself. It evolved into a comparison with me. She would say that I was "prettier" than her, "smarter" than her, and on and on. This would of course lead me to say things like, "Oh no, but you're so much prettier!" I didn't notice what it was doing to me at the time. I actually didn't figure it out until we had a falling out years later. Very soon after we were no longer friends I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I was confused at first, but then I realized why I felt that way. I had been trying to hold her up for years, tried to make her feel better, happier, make her love herself. It was exhausting and was taking a toll on my own self worth. Because I'd been trying to convince her for years that I wasn't "prettier" or "smarter", I had started to believe that I really was lesser than she. Once we were no longer friends, the haze subsided and I started to see myself, and that relationship, much more clearly. It's like that airplane announcement about putting on your breathing apparatus before helping a child. You can't help anyone if you're not secure in yourself first. In the end, you'll both go down.
             My other story happened years later, right before I went to Australia. I had decided that I wanted to do something bold with my life. I had fallen into a rut, felt like I was wasting my youth, and I desperately needed to get out and experience life on my own. Sure, we can say I was going to "find myself" like every self-help book you've ever read. The point was, I wanted to go exploring and be anonymous and free in another country. Well, my cousin decided at a certain point that she wanted to go too. I was not excited about this idea. Let me explain my cousin. I've never seen her make a declarative statement without instantly doubting herself. If you ask her what restaurant she wants to go to she'll collapse into a continuous feedback loop of saying the name of a restaurant then asking your opinion. If something bad happens to her, she'll blame anyone but herself and will take no positive steps toward remedying the situation. She once got 5 speeding tickets from the same police officer on the same stretch of road in the time span of only one month. When I asked her why she continued to speed she said that she forgets to check her speedometer and that cop needs to get a life! (By the way, I had this conversation with her while she was driving through that same area of road, while speeding, and she was pulled over while still on the phone with me. Yeah, same cop.) This is not the person I want to experience being in a foreign country for the first time with. I need someone I can rely on. Better yet, I need someone who is not completely reliant on me. She wanted to come with me, but took no steps on her own to make it happen. I suppose she expected that I would make all the plans and she would just tag along. Well, that was not going to work for me. I told her that it was fine if she wanted to come, but she would need to figure out how to get a passport, plane ticket, work VISA, etc. Honestly, if she could get those things accomplished BY HERSELF then I could trust that she could handle being in a foreign country and not be completely dependent on me. This was one of the first times I remember being completely selfish. I wasn't going to help her because ultimately that wasn't going to help either of us. We would both go down. My mom tried to make me feel guilty about it, but I didn't care. My first time in a foreign country was not going to be about helping my cousin through her first time in a foreign country.
                   So then it would seem that my self worth has changed radically from high school to now. I used to think that I was a slave to the emotions of others. I would tirelessly try to make everyone else happy at the expense of my own joy. But now I tell myself that I'm important and my time is precious. I waste very little of my time on people who are undeserving of it. If I sense that someone is a "crazy maker", I keep my distance. If someone I'm dating isn't making effort, or lies, or cheats then I show them the door. I do have my doubts sometimes about whether or not I'm doing the right thing for a project, or my career, or whatever, but I have faith in the universe and I have confidence in myself. If I stay positive, good things will happen, but if I slip into negativity the reverse will be true. Either way, I hold the power and I get to say which direction my life goes. And for better or worse things will unfold as they should.

Bugs in the Software

I have several bugs in my software. I think that the main one I have might be that sometimes I think that everyone has the same freedom and opportunities that I have. While it is true for a lot of people, there are millions of people out there who cannot help their situation. These are people who are in an extremely dangerous country, they are treated as second class citizens, stripped of their rights, or are even enslaved in some cases. It's very easy for me to improve my situation and to think positively about the world. And I think sometimes I take for granted that I have the freedom to take advantage of opportunities and do whatever I want to in life. I need to remember to be more thankful for the fact that I do live in a free country and, for all of it's faults, there is at least an attempt here to move toward a state of universal fairness.

Another bug in my software is that while I don't self-identify as being white, I feel guilty because I feel that I may consciously or unconsciously reap the benefits of being perceived as white. It's hard for me to know what specific moments in my life were made easier for me because of this fact, but I can say that I have rarely,  if ever, experienced racism personally. My ethnic history is a wide range, and I'm not even sure if I know the full extent, but the main ones I recall from conversations with my mother are French, Hispanic, Native American, Russian, German, Greek, Phillipino, Japanese, and European Jew. Because I have such an eclectic look I often think of myself as an "optical illusion". The Greek family from my hometown thought I was Greek, the Hispanic table I waited on yesterday thought I was Hispanic, the Egyptian lady at the store asks if I'm Egyptian, and on and on. The point being that I am whatever people want me to be. It makes people more comfortable when they can put you in a category, and it seems that they usually assume that I am whatever they are, hence the "illusion". For that reason, I fly under the radar and have never fully experienced what it is to be discriminated against based on race. It's actually hard for me to understand discrimination. I've had friends who have told me that they weren't allowed into clubs, didn't get jobs, were not allowed to move into a certain apartment, etc. because of their race. And I almost have this incredulous thought of ,"That's not really a thing. Racism doesn't exist anymore." I am constantly trying to rewire my brain to accept the fact that the world is not fair and that I should be aware of the injustices that abound.

The last bug in my software that I wanted to talk about is my tendency to believe that women are less able than men. It's ironic because I also happen to think of myself as a strong feminist. Fancy that. But sometimes when I need advice or when I need help opening that damn pickle jar I often defer to men. I feel incredibly guilty when I realize what I've done. When I walk past 3 girls at work to ask the guy at the back of the kitchen if he can help me lift a heavy item. When I call my mom to ask if dad's home yet because I have something I need to ask him. I don't always do it, but I know that I do it more than I should. It's been engrained in me by society that men are stronger or are more logical than their female counterparts. But I know that isn't true. I know that I'm much stronger and smarter than people think I am and I need to give other women the benefit of the doubt. I need to re-wire myself to not be as anti-woman as I know that I can sometimes be.

Short and Sweet and Synchronous

One of my favorite instances of synchronicity was when my sister and I landed the house that we currently live in. I was originally living in a really cheaply made apartment whose rent was steadily increasing. It got to the point where I was paying almost $900 a month for a pretty run down apartment. But it was a good location. And my sister, who had recently moved to Baton Rouge, had her own cheaply made apartment for a little while. But we quickly realized that we could pool our resources and find a much better place for cheaper. We started looking online for different rental opportunities, mostly houses, and we had our own sets of "must haves". I really wanted hardwood floors because not only are most carpets kind of ugly, but my cats have this really terrible habit of ripping at them and in some rare cases also decide to pee on them. I also very much needed a washer and dryer to be included. For my job I always have to have a clean uniform and so I do laundry constantly. My sisters wants were her own bathroom and a roomy kitchen. We looked at maybe 2 or 3 houses at first and they were okay. They would usually have about 75% of what we wanted, but there was always one thing or another that we just weren't into. We were a bit disheartened but we decided we weren't going to settle and to continue looking. And the very next house we looked at turned out to be perfect. I felt immediately comfortable when we drove up and I saw that the front door was teal. I don't know why but I thought, "This is it." We went inside and it was absolutely beautiful. The floors weren't hardwood (they were laminate) but they looked just as good as the real thing. The owners had taken really good care of it and all of the appliances were brand new. They'd also just redone the kitchen and built a deck outside. We could each have our own bathroom and they'd recently built a shower into the master bath. But it didn't have a washer and dryer. I was so disappointed because this place seemed to be exactly what we wanted. The owners asked what we thought and I mentioned the washer and dryer. Well as it turns out, he is a realtor who also dabbles at flipping houses and he has access to a washer and dryer that he was willing to deliver and install for us free of charge. My sister and I didn't even need to confer. We immediately asked them where to sign!

What I realize about this instance of "synchronicity" is that it needs to be a combination of faith, positive thinking, and literally asking for what you want. Because of the way my sister and I present ourselves, the owners really wanted to rent to us. For that reason they were willing to work with us on whatever we wanted. If I hadn't asked about the washer and dryer, would we have passed on the perfect house? I realize now that asking for what you want is probably the most powerful thing you can do in your life. Both with prayer and in dealing with people directly. After all, the worst they can say is "no".

Kriya Me a River

I was curious so I looked into the idea of the “kriya” a little more deeply. There is apparently a specific type of exercise (“kriya yoga”) that is dedicated to the idea of the kriya. While the root word “kri” does mean “an action”, the full word in its common usage would indicate “an involuntary action”. This style of yoga, as well as related meditation and prayer, is said to cause those involved to shake, shiver, or quake. However, the symptoms of involuntary shaking and quaking could also be linked to illness or imbalance of the body or mind. When looked at from this angle, the usage of the kriya to indicate a spiritual break could make sense.

 I experienced my own “kriya” while overseas for the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. I was the stage manager for the show that LSU brought over there this past year. I was also the only tech/design student who went, everyone else was a performer. What this meant is that I was relied on pretty heavily to not only run the show, keep the paperwork up to date, and corral the performers, but I was also asked to design the logo, T-shirts, website, poster, and generally do anything that the professor either didn’t have time for or didn’t know how to do. To say the least, it was overwhelming. I worked very hard to keep the show together while being in a new country and not really knowing my way around. And trying to help everyone else feel comfortable and learn their way around. This is where I picked up the loving “Mama Kaley” moniker that has started to spread around the department. By the time we got to the end of the trip, I was exhausted. The final week, the courses were over and the show had wrapped and we were free to do whatever we wanted. I chose to get sick. Really sick. So sick that I almost passed out on the streets of Edinburgh and they had to put me in a cab and send me back to the flat. I spent the rest of the trip in my room watching romantic comedies on Netflix. It wasn’t my ideal end to the trip, but you know what, my body needed the rest and it was going to take it. I think that what this "kriya" was trying to tell me is that I needed to learn the lost art of saying "no". As a result, I am slowly adding that word back into my vocabulary.

I think that when I’m 80, I’ll be a lot more relaxed about things. I won’t be so scared anymore. Right now, death terrifies me. Life is actually pretty scary too. I stress out about things that don't matter and I waste so much time trying to reach perfection. I think that my 80 year old self will tell me to slow down. I think she’d tell me that life is what’s happening right now, and that she wishes she’d taken more time to have fun in her younger years. She’d say that I have plenty of time to be a serious adult, but that I should remember to stay a kid at heart. And go spend time with mom and dad! They won’t be here forever and you need to take advantage of their wisdom and their love for as long as you have it. Cherish them as well as the rest of your family and friends. It’s the love and friendships in life that are truly important.

If I could go back and talk to myself at 8 years old, I’d tell her not to be afraid to speak up for herself. I’d tell her that she’s smart, and she’s beautiful, and life is going to get better. I’d tell her that what her classmates think, and what her friends think doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. It only matters what she thinks of herself. She needs to love herself before anyone else can. At 8 years old, I’d also tell her not to lose touch with the small joys in her life. Playing with her brothers, reading books, playing games. I’d tell her that later in her life she might want to let these things go as childish or a waste of time but she shouldn’t. She needs them more than she can know right now.

Guilt or Shame?

Around the time I hit Junior High and High School, my metabolism started to slow down. I also wasn't doing dance classes, gymnastics, or any of the other active stuff I did as a kid. What that meant is that I slowly started to put on a little weight. I wouldn't say I was overweight, in fact, my doctor told me (because I asked) that I was perfectly within the normal range for someone my height. And then I started college, and of course the pounds in the form of the "Freshman 15" piled on a bit more. I'd say I was maybe about 20 pounds heavier than I am today. I'm not saying any of this to talk about having a rough time with the kids at school. l was never bullied in school or anything like that. And no one overtly discriminated against me or anything crazy. And for all intents and purposes, I was perfectly normal. Average, you might say. However, my self esteem plummeted around that time because of a variety of external cues. Besides the fact that there were movies and magazines that showed a ridiculous ideal, I was also surrounded with the twig like girls in my schools (including my twin best friends in size 0 jeans. What the hell does size 0 mean anyway!?). I always felt like the funny, fat friend. And it didn't help either that my well-meaning mother would say things like, "Maybe you shouldn't wear form fitting clothing." Or when she asked me if I wanted anything from the store and I'd say "A Dr. Pepper" and she'd say "…Diet?" Oh memories. This was a time that I felt great shame about myself and my appearance. My mom was constantly making "suggestions" about what I should do to improve myself. I love my mom, and I know she means well, but that was extremely hurtful to me. I felt like she didn't love me because I wasn't perfect. The idea that someone "shames" you only because what you do embarrasses them adds another layer onto this memory. She was may have been worried about my health but as I said, I wasn't really overweight and was nowhere near obese, so was she just worried about what others would think? Did she just not want the embarrassment of a daughter who wasn't perfectly trim? Who knows. All I know is that at a certain point I decided to change my diet on my own. I had no interest in losing weight, I just wasn't feeling well. So I cut out all fast food and soft drinks and dropped 15 pounds almost instantly. I started getting positive feedback from those around me and I got really confused. They were all complimenting me on losing weight, and not for being healthy. That's when I decided that people are crazy. And that whatever my weight is, it doesn't matter. Because as long as I feel healthy, that's what is important.

Having said all of that, there is a definite difference between guilt and shame. Shame is much more powerful, damaging, and longterm than guilt. Guilt is temporary while shame is a lifestyle. When experiencing your own guilt you are able to look at yourself as human, fallible, and vulnerable. But shame tells you that you're not a good person and you'll never be worthwhile. And it's never okay to guilt OR shame anyone. I suppose guilt is the lesser of the two evils, but it's still inappropriate. Guilt and shame when used as weapons are at best manipulative and at worst psychologically harmful.

My Life with Crazymakers

One type of crazymaker in my professional life is the type of person who is convinced that the world is against them. They are the ones who, whenever something doesn’t go their way, they dwell on it and complain about it to everyone they encounter. There is no hope for these people because they don’t want hope. They’d rather be upset and get the attention and pity of those around them. This can be very detrimental on a film set (or any other workplace for that matter) because a negative attitude is infectious. They drag everyone down with them and before you know it, everyone is wallowing in their own self-pity. These are the types of people who would rather tell you about everything going wrong instead of offering a solution. As a result of working with these sorts of people I’ve adopted my own mantra about sharing with my co-workers and/or superiors any issues I encounter: Bring solutions, not problems. Meaning, if you do encounter a problem, find a solution before you bring it up to anyone. “Hey I noticed _____, but we can fix it with ____!”

            Now, I don’t always follow this mantra but I do try my best. For example, this Saturday was Valentine’s Day. In the restaurant industry that means straight up chaos. I was the closing bartender Valentine’s night and I knew that tensions would be running high with the entire staff. When I walked in, I could already tell my other three bartenders were not in a happy place. I believe that this was in large part to our main crazymaker, my friend K**(name removed). He and I are both trainers, while the other two bartenders are relatively new. What this means is that they look at us to see how to act in a given situation. Well when I arrived, K** was fuming about the bartender from the morning shift and how he didn’t do this, that, and the other thing. Every time I would ask him if we were out of a certain product he would spout off again, blaming the other bartender. Somewhat loudly I might add. This wasn’t helpful. I thought, I don’t care whose fault it is, that’s not important right now. This attitude was also rubbing off on our other two novice bartenders who were beginning to get snippy with the servers coming to get their drinks. They felt like if K** who has been doing this for years is struggling then obviously they were going to have to struggle too. So I wanted to put a stop to it. I told K** that we can take care of restocking and we can talk to the morning bartender later, but that dwelling on things not done was not going to help us get through the night. And I let my other two bartenders know that they could relax. We weren’t that busy, and if they needed anything I was there to help them. I also tried to keep a positive and jovial demeanor to keep them relaxed. After the communication opened up between all of us we all started to get on the same page. We were helping each other out and getting things done. Because of the improvement in communication and teamwork, the shift went relatively smoothly and free of incident. I even heard K** tell someone “It’s not a big deal, we’ll get it done” when we ran out of a really important item for the bar. I was so proud!

            In my personal life, I usually play the role of the peacemaker. At least with my friends. I’m usually seen as the one who is the most grounded, who will be the “sane” one in any argument. For example, my best friends L & R are twins. And I guess because they are so close and so alike, that means they have to fight more than any two human beings rationally should. They’ll fight about anything, anywhere, anytime. And they always look to me as the mediator. But what’s funny is that I usually don’t get involved when they fight. For the most part it has nothing to do with me so I just let them go. I get involved only when either A) they start to “draw blood”, not literally but rather when they get to a point of just saying hateful things to each other and aren’t even trying to have a valid argument, or B) when they start to effect those around them. They have taken turns over the years between being victim and persecutor, but I pretty much always get to be the peacemaker. I’ve never really thought of myself as being that effective at peacemaking however. They may stop fighting after I tell them “That’s enough!” but they’re still fixed in their opinion that they’re right and they still remain angry with the other one. I wish that I could find a way to help them really see the other one’s perspective. Sometimes I feel like my friends are just too irrational to see the truth. But who knows, maybe I’m the irrational one.

"You're rude."

When I first started my job at P.F. Chang’s, we had a general manager who had no interest in following corporate rules, he constantly went out drinking with his employees, and did questionable things with company money. Everyone loved him. Well, mostly. He was a good time. I didn’t care for him one way or the other to be honest, but I didn’t mind him I guess. Well, as you can imagine this behavior eventually caught up to him and he was fired. His replacement was a by-the-book corporate drone who started to strictly enforce all the rules and regulations that had been ignored for years. Years! That means everyone who worked there had gotten very comfortable with their level of indifference to protocol. So once this guy came in and started telling us what to do, everyone got extremely upset. The environment was volatile for a while. People started quitting and getting fired in droves. And the people left over were getting more and more angry every day. Even though I wasn’t a particularly big fan of my former boss, I was effected by the bad attitudes all around me. I was angry with this new guy because I thought that he was acting unfairly toward my friends. I was having a really hard time so I tried to just come in to do my job and ignore everything else. I thought I had been flying under the radar. I was wrong. A few months after his arrival he called me into the office. He wanted to talk to me about my attitude. He said that as a leader in the restaurant I needed to be a better example for my fellow employees. He also wanted me to know that my attitude toward him was made clear by the fact that I would rarely greet him when passing him in the kitchen. He said, “When I say hello to you, you just pass me by. You don’t smile or anything. You're rude.” I was surprised. I didn’t think that I was coming off that way. After he confronted me, I immediately felt defensive. Who is this guy? He doesn't know anything about me, I thought. I left the office and knew that I needed to just get away from that situation for a while. Thankfully, that conversation coincided very closely with my departure to Australia. I had plenty of time away to think about what was said and to reset. I realized that I wasn’t really upset with him. I was actually just being far too empathetic to everyone else’s feelings. The changes he made were for the better, this became apparent 6 months to a year into the process when sales started improving and the entire staff was generally happier. I realized that he was right when he said I had a bad attitude. I had let myself get completely wrapped up in what everyone else was feeling and I wasn’t even giving him a chance. After I got back I was in a better headspace and ready to get back to work. Because of my newfound enthusiasm and positivity I quickly became the head server, head bartender, and head trainer. Years later, I asked my manager if there was anything that I should improve upon as an employee. He told me that he wouldn’t change a thing and that he was proud to now have me on his side.

Even though it took me a while, I really appreciated what my boss said to me. He didn't talk down to me, didn't yell at me, he wasn't being emotional. He merely shared the facts with me. I was coming across as rude, and I should fix it. I often think back to that day when I feel my attitude start to shift. What's causing this? Who am I really angry with? How do I fix it?

And now for something a little different…

The advice that I would give to any underclassman looking to give feedback is this: It is neither your job nor your responsibility to always give your opinion on the choices of others. (Unless it literally is your job or responsibility) Although it may be tempting to share your point of view after you see a performance or while listening to a conversation in the hall, you should wait to be asked. This is something that I still have a little bit of trouble with. I happen to think I’m a pretty level-headed person so I often get tempted to “help” others when I hear they’re having trouble. However, giving your opinion when it is unsolicited can come across as obnoxious and pushy. When I start to respond to someone else’s troubles I often remind myself of the above piece of advice. If you don’t know someone that well, and aren’t privy to what they’re going through, you shouldn’t decide that you know what’s best for them or how they should improve. But if they do happen to ask you for your opinion, be kind in your advice or criticism. Life is rough for everyone.