Guilt or Shame?

Around the time I hit Junior High and High School, my metabolism started to slow down. I also wasn't doing dance classes, gymnastics, or any of the other active stuff I did as a kid. What that meant is that I slowly started to put on a little weight. I wouldn't say I was overweight, in fact, my doctor told me (because I asked) that I was perfectly within the normal range for someone my height. And then I started college, and of course the pounds in the form of the "Freshman 15" piled on a bit more. I'd say I was maybe about 20 pounds heavier than I am today. I'm not saying any of this to talk about having a rough time with the kids at school. l was never bullied in school or anything like that. And no one overtly discriminated against me or anything crazy. And for all intents and purposes, I was perfectly normal. Average, you might say. However, my self esteem plummeted around that time because of a variety of external cues. Besides the fact that there were movies and magazines that showed a ridiculous ideal, I was also surrounded with the twig like girls in my schools (including my twin best friends in size 0 jeans. What the hell does size 0 mean anyway!?). I always felt like the funny, fat friend. And it didn't help either that my well-meaning mother would say things like, "Maybe you shouldn't wear form fitting clothing." Or when she asked me if I wanted anything from the store and I'd say "A Dr. Pepper" and she'd say "…Diet?" Oh memories. This was a time that I felt great shame about myself and my appearance. My mom was constantly making "suggestions" about what I should do to improve myself. I love my mom, and I know she means well, but that was extremely hurtful to me. I felt like she didn't love me because I wasn't perfect. The idea that someone "shames" you only because what you do embarrasses them adds another layer onto this memory. She was may have been worried about my health but as I said, I wasn't really overweight and was nowhere near obese, so was she just worried about what others would think? Did she just not want the embarrassment of a daughter who wasn't perfectly trim? Who knows. All I know is that at a certain point I decided to change my diet on my own. I had no interest in losing weight, I just wasn't feeling well. So I cut out all fast food and soft drinks and dropped 15 pounds almost instantly. I started getting positive feedback from those around me and I got really confused. They were all complimenting me on losing weight, and not for being healthy. That's when I decided that people are crazy. And that whatever my weight is, it doesn't matter. Because as long as I feel healthy, that's what is important.

Having said all of that, there is a definite difference between guilt and shame. Shame is much more powerful, damaging, and longterm than guilt. Guilt is temporary while shame is a lifestyle. When experiencing your own guilt you are able to look at yourself as human, fallible, and vulnerable. But shame tells you that you're not a good person and you'll never be worthwhile. And it's never okay to guilt OR shame anyone. I suppose guilt is the lesser of the two evils, but it's still inappropriate. Guilt and shame when used as weapons are at best manipulative and at worst psychologically harmful.